Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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