I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
