Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
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He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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