I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
