you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
