Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
