He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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