APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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