tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
