I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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