Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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