Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
