I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
