Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
