At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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