you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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