Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize