dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
