Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
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We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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