Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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