I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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