that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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