Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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