I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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