Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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