did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
