I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
