My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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