If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
