Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
