Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
