Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
