eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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