Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
