I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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