I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
