I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
