I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
it's like heaven, but drunker
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
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