I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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