guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
