In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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