just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
