he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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