Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
