the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
