Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
