How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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