Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
