I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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