I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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