I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
