how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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