hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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