I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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