I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
