just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
