There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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