I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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