did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she told me i tasted like america
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
