he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
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Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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