Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
